How to Actually Comfort Someone (Without Making It Worse)
Lunchtime in Rome Episode 312
“I want them to stop crying. There, there, shut up now.”
That’s how the episode opens — with the exact wrong way most of us comfort people. We mean well. We really do. But good intentions plus zero skill usually equals “thanks… I feel worse now.”
In episode 312 the guys finally give comfort the deep dive it deserves. They pull the Hebrew word Nacham (נָחַם) out of the Old Testament and blow it up so we can all see what real comfort actually looks like.
What “Comfort” Really Means (According to the Bible)
Nacham doesn’t mean “pat them on the back and quote a verse.”
It literally means to breathe intensely because of deep emotion — to sigh with someone who is sighing, to groan with someone who is groaning.
It’s the same word family as Nehemiah (“comfort of Yahweh”) and it shows up in Psalm 23:
“Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”
Even God’s discipline and direction feel like comfort when they come from Someone who is fully with you.
Paul picks up the same idea in Romans 12:15:
“Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.”
Comfort isn’t fixing. It’s joining.
The 5 Things You Need to Actually Comfort Someone
The guys laid out a simple checklist. Miss any one of these and you’ll probably make things worse.
Be Approachable If people feel judged the second they open their mouth, they’ll never let you in. Drop the immediate facts, logic, and Bible verses. Just be safe to talk to.
Actually Want To Comfort is a discipline, not a feeling. Decide ahead of time that you’re willing to step into someone else’s pain instead of hoping they’ll “stop crying soon.”
Identify What’s Really Being Felt Surface: “They’re sad.” Deeper: “They’re hurt because they feel abandoned.” Even deeper: “This reminds them of every time they were left as a kid.” You can’t join what you can’t name.
Feel It With Them (Without Making It About You) This is the hard one. Jay talked about walking the tightrope with his wife Amy — joining her frustration without letting it become his frustration. You step into their story using your own emotions, but you keep the focus on them.
Have the Emotional Reserve to Show Up You can’t pour from an empty cup. Guard your margin. Be emotionally healthy enough that when the big moment comes, you still have gas in the tank.
Why Most Comfort Fails
We try to fix instead of join.
We give answers instead of presence.
We’re secretly hoping their pain ends quickly so we can get back to our own life.
We have no emotional margin left because we said yes to everyone all week.
The result? The person walks away thinking, “Even the people who love me can’t handle my pain.”
The Fun Part: Greatest Location-Specific Food Moments
Because no Lunchtime in Rome episode is complete without talking about food, the guys asked listeners:
“What’s the greatest food + place combo that only hits right there, right then?”
Some favorites that came in:
Homemade potato salad at a summer picnic
Soft-serve ice cream on the Jersey Shore boardwalk
Mountain pies (any filling) cooked over a campfire
Peel-and-eat shrimp by the ocean (pounds and pounds of them)
Potato Patch fries with gravy at Kennywood… but only when it’s freezing during Holiday Lights
A cold Italian sub in Titusville, smashed in your backpack on the bike trail
Beach burgers and thick shakes
And of course, Jay’s legendary hot dog at the turn on the golf course at Chestnut Ridge
Jay summed it up perfectly: everything just tastes better at the beach. (We all nodded vigorously.)
Final Thoughts
Comfort isn’t a personality gift. It’s a skill. And like any skill, it gets better with practice.
So next time someone you love is hurting, don’t rush to make it stop.
Breathe with them.
Sigh with them.
Join them.
That’s Nacham. That’s comfort done right.
Pull up a seat at the table anytime
📍 lunchtimeinrome.com
Take the free Relational Needs Questionnaire while you’re there — it’s eye-opening.
And if you’ve been listening for a while, do the hosts a favor: leave a 5-star review, share the episode, and consider becoming a paid subscriber. March 1st they’re dropping the new paid-subscriber intro (and apparently Jess from Mohan’s is coming for Joe, so that should be entertaining).
See you next week for episode 313.
Until then, go love somebody well today.
