Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 260 is titled “Sweet Martyr vs Outdone. Is your relationship with your parent/adult child only about them? Does your adult child or parent always seem to be frustrated when you need something? That’s what we’re talking about at The Table this evening.
Pull up a seat at the table and join us!
Adult Parent/Adult Child Destructive Patterns
Sweet Martyr vs. Outdone
Description
The game is played by someone overwhelmed by their own neediness. Almost every conversation turns back to "Sweet Martyr’s" needs.
The other, "Outdone," has their needs, hurt, and desires "topped," minimized, or ignored.
"Sweet Martyr" asks about others to be polite but remains self-absorbed.
"Outdone" is left trying to meet SM’s endless needs, neglecting their own life and needs.
Results
Sweet Martyr: Drowns in emotional needs and continually grasps for attention.
Outdone: Becomes angry, withdrawn, or self-condemned.
Examples
Example #1
SM: "How’s the family?"
OD: "Not great, things are rough at work and at home."
SM: "I had dinner with Aunt Hazel this week."
Example #2
SM: "Hey Mom, how was the doctor?"
OD: "Not great, some scary tests have to be taken."
SM: "Can you babysit this weekend?"
Why Do They Do It?
Sweet Martyr:
"Sweet" because it’s what nice people do, but the game highlights SM’s needs without being direct.
Conversations turn into opportunities to flaunt their needs.
Outdone:
Plays to get their own needs noticed and prove they are a good parent/child.
Underlying Issues
Unmet Needs:
"Sweet Martyr" feels a multitude of unmet needs despite OD’s giving, drawing attention to them often.
"Outdone" has unmet needs too—attention, empathy, encouragement—but struggles to express them.
Unhealed Hurts:
"Sweet Martyr" fears their needs will never be noticed or freely given. Forgiveness is difficult.
"Outdone" may be frustrated, angry, and passive-aggressive.
Childhood Hurts:
"Sweet Martyr" experienced unmet emotional needs despite surface needs being met, often feeling "spoiled" but emotionally neglected.
"Outdone" learned to minimize their own needs growing up.
Faulty Thinking (Destructive Patterns):
"Sweet Martyr" generalizes past hurts into future expectations and magnifies their needs.
"Outdone" minimizes their needs and hurts from SM.
How to Disengage
For Sweet Martyr:
Express a desire openly and appreciate the response (e.g., "I’ve missed our time together. Let’s plan something.").
Give undivided attention to OD’s needs (e.g., "What’s been going on in your world?").
Give lovingly to meet OD’s needs (e.g., "I’ll take the kids for the weekend so you can get away.").
The Game is Over!
For Outdone:
Be lovingly assertive when receiving "Sweet Martyr" treatment (e.g., "I appreciate you asking, but it hurts when I don’t feel genuine concern.").
Express your needs lovingly (e.g., "Can we sit down? I really need your understanding about how hard things have been.").
Be available to give mutually to SM’s needs (e.g., "Now that I feel supported, what would you enjoy?").
The Game is Over!
Sweet Martyr vs Outdone | Episode 260