Adult Parent Child Games | Episode 253

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 253 is entitled “Parent-Adult Child Games, Complainer/Procrastinator”  There is a growing epidemic of adult children going “No or low contact” with their parents?  Why?  What emotional games are they trapped in?   We’ll be talking about that and one of those tonight.

Episode Outline

1. Description

   1. The parent makes a request 

   2. The child agrees but doesn’t follow through

   3. Parent keeps asking “Complainer”

   4. Child keeps putting off and becomes “Procrastinator”

2. Results

   1. Anger mounts

   2. Avoidance continues

   3. Trust is lost

3. Example

   1. Parent - Call, visit, invite over

   2. Child - This week is booked, next week?

   3. Parent - but you said that last week

   4. Child - I know but things should really loosen up

   5. Parent - Nevermind you don’t care about me/us

   6. Child - I’d care more if you weren’t always in our business

4. Why do they do it?

   1. Complainer

      1. They keep playing to prove that the child doesn’t care and can’t be dependent upon, that they don’t appreciate them

      2. They do this to gain:

         1. Attention

         2. Prove that they don’t need the adult child (respect)

         3. Justify favoritism towards other children

   2. Procrastinator

      1. Prove that the parent is needy/nagging/intrusive

      2. Prove that the parent no longer controls them - respect

      3. To ensure that the parent still and continually needs them - belonging

5. Underlying Issues

   1. Unmet needs

      1. Complainer Parent

         1. Attention

         2. Security - proving child’s love

      2. Procrastinator Child

         1. Appreciation/needed - if they like being asked

         2. Respect - if they relish in not doing it

         3. Acceptance/belonging- if they say yes but don't do it

   2. Unhealed Hurts - both parties fear being honest most likely due to unresolved historical hurts between the two

   3. Faulty thinking (destructive patterns)

      1. Complainer - personalize and generalize

      2. Procrastinator - generalize

   4. Unhealed childhood hurts

      1. Complainer

         1. Lack of belonging

         2. Lack of attention

      2. Procrastinator

         1. Lack of respect

         2. Lack of security (nagging) growing up

6. To disengage

   1. Complainer parent

      1. Lovingly clarify time requirements

      2. If the child doesn’t follow through

         1. Give ONE back up time frame

         2. Then

            1. Do it yourself - guard against bitterness

            2. Don’t do it and allow whatever consequences to come

               1. But do not announce them

               2. Do not throw blame or attach guilt

   2. Procrastinator Child

      1. Do what they ask

      2. Be honest up front

         1. I can’t do it

         2. I will do it on these terms/dates and do it

      3. Set up a boundary/border type situation