Destructive Patterns | Episode 240

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 240 is entitled “Destructive Patterns”.  Sometimes we have patterns of communication that hurt our relationships. Tonight we will be looking at Polarizing Patterns.  

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Polarizing

1. Simple Descriptions

   1. Only one way to do something

   2. Everything is right or wrong

   3. Seeing the world in absolutes

2. Description

   1. Life is viewed as all or nothing, good or bad, black or white. 

   2. Rigid rules held for evaluating life. 

   3. Little satisfaction felt in modest performance or genuine effort.

   4. Experience little joy when successful, since it was expected all along

3. Background

   1. Often brought up in legalistic, critical, or performance-orientated families where there were many insecurities and fears.

   2. Perhaps whatever the child did was never good enough.

   3. Perhaps others around them were consistently criticized and evaluated.

4. Truth

   1. Some issues are black or white but many are shades of gray.

   2. The scriptures encourage discernment, but deciding to hold something against another or myself is “judging” and is warned against - Matt. 7:1-5

   3. The middle ground can often be acceptable and enjoyed - Eph. 5:20

5. Effect Upon a Relationship

   1. Polarizers have a perfectionist thinking pattern and can be more than a little difficult to live with.

   2. They may judge the spouse’s performance on the basis of their own impossible standards.

6. Overcoming Polarizing

   1. Take note of your reactions and analyze what prompted your responses. “Take those thoughts captive-cast them down” ( 2 Cor. 10: 3-5) “Think on those things that are true.” ( Phil. 4:8)

   2. Example: 

Your project is criticized.

Your reaction : “I knew I’d fail.”

Consequence of that reaction: is anger at the critic and at yourself.

Renewed response: If “I knew I’d fail” is replaced with “the project wasn’t perfect but there was a lot of good in it. I can improve it” then, you become free to evaluate criticism, consider changes, and move on.

7. How to work to NOT be this way

   1. Take Thoughts Captive - 2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ

      1. Ask yourself “Is this 100 percent accurate?”

      2. Or could my past hurts be clouding my judgment

      3. Allow your loved one to have input and perspective

   2. Think about what is true - Phil 4: 8 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

      1. Overcome your past hurts and judgment

      2. Allow your loved one to say nice things and consider what they say

      3. Note to loved one: don’t lie or distort lest you lose credibility

   3. Example

      1. Instead of saying “If it’s not done this way, it won’t work.”

      2. Say “My way is not the only way; others ways may work O.K., too.”