Destructive Patterns: Personalization | Episode 241

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 241 is entitled “Destructive Patterns - Personalization”.  Have you ever said to someone, “It’s not always about you!”?  Are there people in your life that you have to tiptoe around so that they don’t crumble?  We’ll be talking about how to work with that type of destructive pattern this week.  

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Personalizing

1. Simple Descriptions

   1. Taking external events as personal rejections and attacks

   2. “My fault” thought pattern

2. Description

   1. Overestimates the extent that an event is related to him/her. 

   2. Tends to be moody and easily hurt by seeming rejections.

   3. Often insecure and self-condemned. May blame self for everything.

   4. Others may view them as fragile, overly sensitive, childish, self-centered, and even hysterical.

3. Background -Often were rejected or neglected in childhood or came from a highly critical home environment where he/she was often wrongly blamed for whatever was happening.

4. Truth

   1. We are not the target or cause of everything that happens to us.

   2. Usually what occurs is not aimed at us, or is more a statement about the other person than about us.

   3. Biblical truth would include

      1. Rom 12: 3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

      2. Phil 2: 3-4  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

      3. 1 Peter 5: 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

5. Effect Upon a Relationship - When we take everything personally, we run the risk of overreacting to our spouse and causing unnecessary tensions in marriage..

6. Overcoming Personalizing

   1. Begin by taking notice of incidents when personalizing has taken place. It may even be helpful to write them down. You may have strong feelings of anger, upset, hurt.

   2. Ask your partner to help you identify the “lies.”

   3. Practice replacing them (taking thoughts captive) with more rational truthful thinking (think on those things that are true).

   4. Example: 

Example: a friend phones to cancel coming for coffee because she needs to visit her mother in the hospital.

Your reaction: she probably didn’t want to come for coffee anyway.

Consequences of that reaction: you feel rejected, hurt, annoyed and you neglect to show concern for you friend’s

mother. You may even go on to think she probably doesn’t like me anyway. “In fact, no one really likes me.”

Renewed response: this reaction could be replaced by: “I feel disappointed that our cup of coffee together can’t

take place but my friend must go to her mother. I’ll look forward to our being able to rearrange for another day. I

wonder how I can support my friend while her mother is ill.”