Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 216 entitled “Conflict Resolution”. People do not know how to express a hurt and clearly do not know how to apologize. WE DO! Tonight we'll begin to talk about and teach you how to do that this week at The Table.
Pull up a seat at the table and join us!
What is this podcast all about?
Being alone is the worst. Good times aren’t as good and bad times are worse when you are all alone. Romans 12:15 says to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. That is how you keep people from being alone and what this podcast is all about. We demonstrate that in the first 15 minutes of the podcast and talk about it for the rest.
So while it may not be 12:15 in Rome, we’re treating it like it is Lunchtime in Rome!
Ideal Conflict Resolution
Identify the emotion vs the feeling
The emotion is the need not met or taken from you/them.
The feeling is what resulted from the need not being met.
Anger/Fear/Guilt/Self Condemnation.
Note: identifying the feeling is essential for receiving comfort but secondary in conflict resolution.
You and they need to identify what emotional need wasn’t met or taken to fully understand your feelings.
They (or someone else) can then join you in your emotion to comfort.
There can be and very well may be multiple emotional need hurt in any given offense.
Communicate how it made you feel in that moment.
How was the emotional need not met or taken from you/them?
Be completely open and honest.
Do not diminish.
Do not exaggerate.
Try to connect this present hurt to any past hurts.
This will help you and them understand why the need being taken/not met hurts as much as it does.
Clearly, this may not be possible in a given back and forth moment.
Talk to God about it
The offended
Tell Him what happened to you.
Ask Him how He feels about it.
Admit to Him that you need comfort and healing.
Ask Him for insight into the offender and that they (and the relationship) are worth more than their offense.
Ask Him for the strength to forgive.
Forgive them in prayer to God.
Forgive them in person.
The offender
Tell Him what you did.
Tell Him what they said (yes, He knows).
Ask Him to help you understand how it hurt them.
Ask Him how He feels about what you did.
Realize that He loves them more than you do.
Understand that to hurt them is to hurt Him.
Think about, pray about what He would say about what you did or didn’t do.
Confess (agree with God) that what you did was wrong.
Ask both Him for forgiveness.
To find resolution
For the offender
Seek to understand more than to be forgiven.
Through all that you’ve done above, your goal should be to understand how you made them feel, not just to be forgiven. - That is why simply saying, “I’m sorry” or “I didn’t mean to hurt you” doesn’t do anything and, in fact, makes things worse.
When you hurt them it left them feeling alone, understanding how you hurt them will begin the healing process.
Express to them how you believe what you did made them feel.
Ask them if it made them feel any other way.
Tell THEM that what you did was wrong, and ask them to forgive you.
For the offended
Realize that God has forgiven them.
Be honest and admit to what you felt.
Openly tell them any other feelings you had.
Remember that to forgive is not to forget.
Forgive them.
Possible interruptions/complications to this process.
Lack of honesty and trust - this is all predicated upon trusting that each person is being open/honest and vulnerable.
Negative patterns of conflict resolutions.
Denial “It’s no big deal”
Anger taking over
Outwardly yelling/name calling.
Inward rage/quiet treatment.
Ignoring it in hopes it goes away.
Seeking forgiveness over understanding
Typical of high need of acceptance.
In direct conflict with need of comfort/security/respect.
Reference Relationship Games podcasts.
Past hurts that have not been resolved.
Before and/or outside of the relationship.
Within the existing relationship.
Conflict Resolution | Episode 216