Anti Comfort | Episode 218

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 218 entitled “Anti Comfort”. Too often we try to comfort someone and not only does it not work, they end up feeling worse and we feel frustrated.  Why is that?  Why doesn’t it work?  What can we do about it?  That’s what we’re talking about tonight.

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Anti Comfort Outline

1. We try to comfort someone and it doesn’t work (reference episodes 207&208, emotional needs that clash & 40 enmeshed) and, in fact, does the complete opposite.

2. Examples

   1. Confusing poor emotional responding with comfort

      1. FLR

         1. fixing them (helping them not make the same mistakes)

         2.  “Here’s why this happened”

      2. Selfish

         1. empathy (trying to show them you understand)

         2. “When I lost my father…” 

      3. Critical

         1. tough love (adjusting their levels of emotions)

         2. “Don’t cry”, “It’s not that big of a deal” 

   2. Enmeshment vs Detachment

      1. Enmeshment/Detached definition

      2. Enmeshed is forced into a peace keeping role that is not theirs - Most often child in between parents

      3. Enmesh tries to fix but feels horrible about themselves

         1. Enmesh has high need for sec, accept, belong

         2. Enmesh doesn’t want to do it but feels compelled

         3. Enmesh ends up feeling alone

      4. Detach demands that enmesh stand up for themselves

         1. This satisfies the detached’s needs (sec, resp)

         2. This ignores the enmeshed pain

         3. The enmeshed feels alone, as does the detached

      5. Ironically I’ve seen it where the enmeshed then detaches from detached while detached tries to fix enmeshed

         1. Enmeshed is not enmeshed with detached

         2. Detached is not detached from enmeshed

3. What does work?  True comfort

   1. Rom 12:15 joining them in their emotions and attaching comfort to pain

   2. We comfort…THEN give advice (FLR), when they ask.

   3. Detached joins Enmeshed in their pain

      1. Feels bad that they’re in that position

      2. Appreciates their efforts

      3. Then, after that and then some, works to establish boundaries/borders