Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 218 entitled “Anti Comfort”. Too often we try to comfort someone and not only does it not work, they end up feeling worse and we feel frustrated. Why is that? Why doesn’t it work? What can we do about it? That’s what we’re talking about tonight.
Pull up a seat at the table and join us!
Anti Comfort Outline
We try to comfort someone and it doesn’t work (reference episodes 207&208, emotional needs that clash & 40 enmeshed) and, in fact, does the complete opposite.
Confusing poor emotional responding with comfort
fixing them (helping them not make the same mistakes)
“Here’s why this happened”
empathy (trying to show them you understand)
“When I lost my father…”
tough love (adjusting their levels of emotions)
“Don’t cry”, “It’s not that big of a deal”
Enmeshment vs Detachment
Enmeshed is forced into a peace keeping role that is not theirs - Most often child in between parents
Enmesh tries to fix but feels horrible about themselves
Enmesh has high need for sec, accept, belong
Enmesh doesn’t want to do it but feels compelled
Enmesh ends up feeling alone
Detach demands that enmesh stand up for themselves
This satisfies the detached’s needs (sec, resp)
This ignores the enmeshed pain
The enmeshed feels alone, as does the detached
Ironically I’ve seen it where the enmeshed then detaches from detached while detached tries to fix enmeshed
Enmeshed is not enmeshed with detached
Detached is not detached from enmeshed
What does work? True comfort
Rom 12:15 joining them in their emotions and attaching comfort to pain
We comfort…THEN give advice (FLR), when they ask.
Detached joins Enmeshed in their pain
Feels bad that they’re in that position
Appreciates their efforts
Then, after that and then some, works to establish boundaries/borders