A Better Way | Episode 223

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 223 entitled “A Better Way”. What if there was a better way to tell someone that they have hurt you?  What if you could start your own healing process when you've been hurt by a loved one?  What if there was something out there that you haven't ever considered that could help all of your relationships?

There is a better way and you haven't heard of it.

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Seek Understanding

1. Introduce Seeking Understanding

   1. Rather than forgiveness

      1. It shows that you understand the impact of the hurt

      2. It’s about them, not you

   2. Cleans out the hurts and allows the relationship to move on

2. But what about when expressing a hurt?

   1. Typical - when you did this it hurt me

      1. No emotional need attached

      2. No grace given to the offender

         1. It’s, to some degree, selfish 

         2. It, in some ways, assumes the worst (or allows it) of the offender

         3. It will probably cause the offender to become defensive

            1. Which is why you get FLR

            2. It leads to a back and forth, far from the resolve

      3. What if there was a better way to approach this?

   2. Seek to understand the offender

      1. Express the hurt - When you did this it made me feel this way (express emotional need not met and or taken from you)

      2. Remind them of who they are to you - “I know you love me and don’t want to hurt me.”

      3. Ask them why they did what they did - “Help me understand why you did/said/didn’t do X that hurt me.”

      4. Remind them that you value the relationship - “Our relationship really matters to me.  You matter to me.  I don’t want a misunderstanding to get in the way of that.

         1. This sets the tone for the goal - the relationship

         2. This sets the priority being finding and fixing the misunderstanding rather than assigning blame and demanding an apology

         3. It VERY MUCH gives the person every shot at understanding your pain rather than defending their actions

      5. Try hard to understand where they were coming from and why they did/said what they did

         1. In other words, give them the benefit of the doubt

         2. Remember, odds are they didn’t mean to hurt you

         3. When you try to understand why they hurt you, it gives them the best opportunity to understand your hurts

      6. Examples

         1. Someone in ministry was hurt by my words

            1. I didn’t know the whole situation at all

            2. I wasn’t given the benefit of the doubt

            3. I did apologize and sought  to understand but…

            4. They weren’t interested in understanding me

            5. I was left hurt in my

               1. Respect - I wouldn’t hurt them in that way

               2. Security - Everything was fine and not it’s not

               3. Comfort - I was trying to help another situation which caused me to say what I said, now both situations are bad

         2. Bella roommate situation

            1. I didn’t seek understanding from THEM but I sought it

            2. I was able to see that, perhaps, they weren’t horrible people

            3. It didn’t diminish my comfort for Bella

            4. It kept me from being more angry and hurting others

      7. Potential problems

         1. It doesn’t work - then the normal way wouldn’t either

         2. You can’t understand why they said/did what they did - you’re still further along than before

         3. You start to feel like the only one trying - you probably are the one most gifted in this ability, expect it