Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 223 entitled “A Better Way”. What if there was a better way to tell someone that they have hurt you? What if you could start your own healing process when you've been hurt by a loved one? What if there was something out there that you haven't ever considered that could help all of your relationships?
There is a better way and you haven't heard of it.
Pull up a seat at the table and join us!
Introduce Seeking Understanding
Rather than forgiveness
It shows that you understand the impact of the hurt
It’s about them, not you
Cleans out the hurts and allows the relationship to move on
But what about when expressing a hurt?
Typical - when you did this it hurt me
No emotional need attached
No grace given to the offender
It’s, to some degree, selfish
It, in some ways, assumes the worst (or allows it) of the offender
It will probably cause the offender to become defensive
Which is why you get FLR
It leads to a back and forth, far from the resolve
What if there was a better way to approach this?
Seek to understand the offender
Express the hurt - When you did this it made me feel this way (express emotional need not met and or taken from you)
Remind them of who they are to you - “I know you love me and don’t want to hurt me.”
Ask them why they did what they did - “Help me understand why you did/said/didn’t do X that hurt me.”
Remind them that you value the relationship - “Our relationship really matters to me. You matter to me. I don’t want a misunderstanding to get in the way of that.
This sets the tone for the goal - the relationship
This sets the priority being finding and fixing the misunderstanding rather than assigning blame and demanding an apology
It VERY MUCH gives the person every shot at understanding your pain rather than defending their actions
Try hard to understand where they were coming from and why they did/said what they did
In other words, give them the benefit of the doubt
Remember, odds are they didn’t mean to hurt you
When you try to understand why they hurt you, it gives them the best opportunity to understand your hurts
Someone in ministry was hurt by my words
I didn’t know the whole situation at all
I wasn’t given the benefit of the doubt
I did apologize and sought to understand but…
They weren’t interested in understanding me
I was left hurt in my
Respect - I wouldn’t hurt them in that way
Security - Everything was fine and not it’s not
Comfort - I was trying to help another situation which caused me to say what I said, now both situations are bad
Bella roommate situation
I didn’t seek understanding from THEM but I sought it
I was able to see that, perhaps, they weren’t horrible people
It didn’t diminish my comfort for Bella
It kept me from being more angry and hurting others
It doesn’t work - then the normal way wouldn’t either
You can’t understand why they said/did what they did - you’re still further along than before
You start to feel like the only one trying - you probably are the one most gifted in this ability, expect it